"Okay, fine. If that’s what you wanna hear. I ran. I left. But I came back. Or I intended to. And we were fucking taken; it wasn’t voluntary, trust me. And do you think I like being the one always needed help? That I end up like that? No, I don’t! I wanna change that!" Cara closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. This was not the conversation she’d wanted.
Her voice was soft when she spoke again. “I know you were; I was there too, remember? I cut Nik open and pulled that baby out of her, and then stopped her from bleeding to death while keeping Ian from completely falling apart at the same time.” She said it calmly, just stating a simple fact that people seemed to forget. She didn’t want praise, or pats on the back. She simply did what anyone would have done. “As for Andrew, and I know it’s not my place, but maybe you shouldn’t try to save him; he’s grown, K. Let him make the choice of whether or not you’re worth it.”
Cara was tired of fighting. Of arguing. Even if it was her fault. “I know that you can’t,” she said softly. “I expected it. I’m dealing with that. But I wanna earn it back… not now… not next week… maybe not even a year from now. I’m not asking you to deal with it, I’m not asking you to even think about it. I just want you to know. And I know we’re all losing things, K. Just don’t push away the people that are still here.”
She took a step back, her face sad. “But I’ll go if that’s what you want. I didn’t mean to upset you, I just… I’m glad you’re alright. Truly.”
"What I want if for you to learn from your mistakes and not pull the same stupid shit over and over. When I step in front of a car and say ‘Hey, think about this,’ to take a minute and think!" She finally told her. "You were there in the birth Cara. Because you have medical training. But after that when he was breaking down you were busy."
Her eyes narrowed at the mention of Andrew. ”You’re right.” She said dryly. ”Its not your place because you dont know what the hell you’re talking about. I’d rather keep him alive and not torn into pieces then having someone to hold me or whatever.” She kept her eyes hard though the situation and advise was near laughable. ”Besides, I know that relationships are the most impotent thing to you, but honestly, kind of got some more urgent shit on my plate right now.”
She couldn’t look back at her at the words. Once someone hurt or abandon her, it was over. There would always be that lingering doubt. It was part of the reason why even Dec and Andrew were kept at arms length. She knew Cara didn’t know that, there was no way that she could but the last thing that she wanted was some head shirking from a woman that couldn’t keep herself alive. ”That is what I want.”
Cara raised her eyebrows at the words Keera spat at her. “Okay,” she said shortly. They hurt, but she really didn’t think Keera cared. Cara was beginning to grow weary of being treated like a piece of shit. Like some dumb blonde who didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground. She might not have the same skill set as others, but there were things she was good at, and she’d be damned if one person was going to make her feel like she was worthless.
Cara crossed her hands over her chest. “First off, I didn’t fucking leave you. There’s no black and white there, K. I got spooked, there was a ton of shit going on; I needed to regroup and come back in. It’s not an excuse; it’s the truth. Have I ever left you? Since you’ve known me? Have I ever abandoned you? No… but I have a feeling that this shit is going to hang over my head ‘til I’m dead. Which I think would be preferable to you. Secondly, Mays was there too, you realize that right? It wasn’t just me. We both made the same decision. You give her the same attitude? The same cold fucking shoulder when she tried to make you feel better because she fucking cares? I highly doubt it. I’m sure you two are best buds again. I don’t expect a fucking warm reception and for things to be alright, ‘cause I know they’re not, but fucking Christ… don’t treat me like we don’t have some history to fall back on.”
Cara turned away, her thoughts running a thousand miles an hour. “I don’t know what you’re problem is with me lately, even before that shit went down. We used to be friends; good friends. If you don’t want me to check your arm, that’s fine. That’s why I asked. But… I’m at a loss here, Keera. How about I just leave you alone? How about I let you drive me away like you do everyone else? Oh…” Cara laughed cynically, “but wait, you’ve got the people you actually give a fuck about close by right? Mays and the boys?” Cara was beyond checking herself, even though she didn’t want to fight.
She hadn’t come here for this. She’d only come to check on her friend, if she could even still call her that. “I didn’t want this,” she said wearily, turning back. “I was hurt too… couldn’t half fucking see for a week; thought I might not get it back. That scared the life out of me; being half blind in this world? It’s a death sentence. Then Tommy left… he’s gone… never came back… I can’t seem to please anyone. I can’t believe Ian or Maysie are even talking to me, and despite my best efforts, everyone seems to fucking despise me. And I’m not even allowed to do the one thing I know I can still do.”
She leaned heavily against the wall, scrubbing a hand through her hair. “I really… really just wanted to make sure you were okay. And I’d say I’m fucking sorry for everything… that I wanna make it up to you… because even though I know you probably hate me, and I don’t blame you… I really do care… but I know you don’t wanna hear it. I just wanna be able to have your trust again. Not now. Not tomorrow. But… just one day. Hell, maybe I want you to tell me what to do, K… I don’t know. Even if it’s to fuck off and never bother you again. At least then I’ll know.”
What she didn’t say was that out of all the people in camp, out of all the people she’d known since this shit started, having Maysie and Keera’s approval that she was doing something right meant more to her than anyone else. It wasn’t the time though, and Cara really didn’t feel like putting herself out there to just be crushed down even more.
It angered her that she wanted the approval of the last person on this planet who was going to give it to her right now. She’d probably end up best friends with Nik before Keera wanted anything to do with her again. But whatever. Cara had lost people before; it was her lot. Losing the ones who meant the most.
"Getting spooked and running off IS leaving Cara. And if you haven’t noticed, it only takes once. So yeah, that is kinda black and white." She snapped back. The fact that she was going back and forth was infuriating if she had the energy. "And if you’ve got to know, I fucking tore into Mays; told her that I shouldn’t have expected you guys to stick around. The difference is that Mays actually came and checked after it happened. And no, you haven’t run because 90% of the time you’re the one being held at knife or gun point!"
"As for having a problem, I didn’t before that. I had my own shit going on that didn’t revolve around Cara world. I was taking are of my brother who’s wife was dying and had a new born. I had Andrew who I was trying to protect from myself! So excuse me if I wasn’t giving you enough attention! Seeing as how you had Tom and everything, your mental well being while I am losing my mind was kind of low on my list of priorities."
"But the plain and simple truth in this is that I an’t trust you to have my back." She said the words as a simple fact, no anger, no malice. Even if she didn’t see it this way, to Keera it was a simple black and white situation. She couldn’t take are of peoples feelings right now….for once. If her survival stats were going to go up right now she had to focus on keeping herself alive and safe.
Her eyes shot back to Cara as she rattled off her injuries. ”Oh you got hurt with the two of you running off into a full camp of people without back up even though we have three military trained men back here? I’m shocked.” It was almost funny that she was making it about her and her injuries and woes again, as if being a fighter and a mechanic was going to happen with one hand when she couldn’t even tie her shoes. ”Believe it or not Cara you’re not the only one losing shit.” The words left her quietly this time, looking away. ”As for me I have to releize that even the people who say the love me will leave, walk away for more important things. And I know that again. You think I dont know that Andrew and Dec will walk away again? That you and Mays walked away? That Ian should have put a bullet in my head for the group? I know that Cara. I was just stupid enough to forget it for a little while. And now I have to learn how to survive with this.” She held up the wrapped up stump where her hand used to be. ”So no, I dont hate you. Because I have more going on then just thinking about you.”
She shook her head, holding back the sneer that she wanted to give. ”Go.”
He smiled widely, she looked a lot better than the last time he’d checked on her; almost like her old self. “Are ye about insane from sittin’ round yet?” he asked, plopping down next to her. If he knew her at all, he figured she’d been up and around, trying to fight the cabin fever. She was a lot like him in that way. He pulled out the baggy of jerky from his pocket and put it on her lap, not giving her any chance to refuse it. “Ye been eatin’?” he asked, staring at her “I suspect Andrew or Dec have been in here tryin te make sure ye eat, but I know yer stubborn arse has been tellin’ ‘em no” he said, half amused “So, I brought ye somethin’, and yer goin te eat the whole thing while m’sittin here”. He had a cocky grin on his face, daring her to argue with him.
"After ye eat, I’ll take ye out fer a walk or somethin, yeah? I hate bein cooped up, even when m’sick, so I figure gettin ye out and about some will help"
He left the offer open, in case she really didnt feel like going out, but he could hide the hope in his voice; he needed some time out as well. He still had the tightness in his chest when he thought about what had happened, and though the situation was out of their control, he placed a large part of the blame on himself- not that he’d talk about it now; this was about her alone, and he had no desire to make her remember what he knew damn well she wouldnt ever forget.
"Wasn’t I before?" She said with a half mouthed smirk at him, sliding over as she bounced a bit when hi flopped down onto the bed. She watched with her eyebrows up as he tossed to jerky into her lap, pulling her legs up as she looked at it. Shaking her head no, she knew that there was probably no denying him about the eating bit. She wouldn’t have been shocked if Dec and Andrew had reported back to him that she was on a self imposed hunger strike against reality right now. "You ‘suspect’ or they’ve been gossipy little hens?" She asked with a smirk, picking up the bag with her right hand and looking at it for a moment as if trying to figure it out.
Finally giving up she stuck one side in her mouth and ripped it open with her teeth, all the while giving him a comical look that said ‘not a word.’
"Guessing you dont mean a walk off grounds?" She asked with a smirk as the plastic ripped, not that either of them would mind eating the fallen jerky off of the bed spread. "Gunna need to make more jerky for anyone anyway before winter sets in. "She nodded, stuffing a piece into her mouth. "Yeah…Mays and I went for a walk a few days ago. Felt a little better after." She wouldn’t admit that it made her tired. Maybe this time would be better. It would give him something to focus on anyway. Reaching out she piked up a piece of the jerky and offered it out to him.